Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Cute Wall (Volume Seven)

Now, the moment of truth is time because it's now time to do...THE CUTE WALL!



Yeah! And since we're a few days left before Love Live! The School Idol Movie hits Japanese theaters, it's the turn of the μ's to find out which of the members stack up on this wall.

(applause)

Love Live!? Do you mean Love Live!? As in Love Live! School Idol Project? An anime show everyone's talking about since K-ON!?

Yes it is but I tell you what, Love Live is what happens when K-ON meets iM@S and it's all about girls forming an idol unit to save a school from imminent closure.

Do you watch it?

Maybe...

(audience laughing)

You?

Nope. I'm still a P.

(audience laughing)

P? What P?

Producers. One of the Producers. Nope, not the one you know, the iDOLM@STER kind of Producers.

Oh.

Which means...you're somewhat a Loveliver!

Sorta a Loveliver but I'm almost becoming one since I spent several hours playing...

...I know. That School Idol Festival game you're playing on your iPhone.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, no time for arguments. Let's start with...


Honoka Kousaka

Honkers!

Yes. Little man. That's Honoka Kousaka. The teenage girl who started...um...what kind of a person decided to use a Greek alphabet as a name of an school idol group? Anyway, Honoka started this idol group in the hopes of saving her school from closure but hey, everyone get the idea. So, thoughts?

(audience murmuring)

Hey. Honoka's got the heart and the soul to keep her and her colleagues going to the top but like all good idol units, they've been through harsh difficulties to get their names known to the world. Sure, this situation is like...um...

Shhh...Look, there's going to be dangers that some people are Ps or Livers. Otherwise, we might cause conflict between two fan powers.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, why I love about Honoka is not just her looks, it's her personality that makes Honoka...well, Honoka.

(audience laughing)

Oh, and she said something while you're playing that favorite game on your iPhone.

What?

She said...(mimicking Honoka, speaking Japanese)

Hmmm?

I don't know what she said but she says that she doesn't like a McLaren P1.

(audience laughing hysterically)

Get it? She said the P1 is yucky.

(audience laughing hysterically)

Yucky? Does she really mean it?

Sorta...

(audience laughing)

So, where will you put her?

I know where will I put her and because being the pride of...um...

μ's.

Thank you.  Anyway, I'll put her in the NAKAKAGIGIL position.

(audience laughing, then applause)

Brilliant! That's all I can say...

Okay, so who's next?


Kotori Minami

Kotori Minami?

Yes she is. Yes she is.

Um...is she the one with a strangely childish voice?

(audience laughing)

Uh-huh and aside from her very childish voice, her appearance and her personality is why I'm delightful to say that if you're running a contest of who's the cutest female anime character, she would probably win it but because this is the CUTE WALL, the rules are different. We dig deeper to the character's core to find out which spot a cute character will land.

Dig deeper?! How would you manage to dig deep through every cute character's core?

My security blanket does the judgment.

(audience laughing)

Also, my blanket knows that because of her childish looks and her personality fit for her own rights, I decided to have Kotori join with Honoka's. In short, NAKAKAGIGIL.

(audience laughing)

You can rest easy now, Kotori. You're now one of them.

Very good. So, who's next? Oh wait! I know who's next! Umi!


Umi Sonoda
Umm...Who is she?

That's Umi Sonoda. She's one of the μ's. I was hoping if you like this character.

I'm sorry but she kinda reminds me of...well, Chihaya Kisaragi or one of the PreCure characters.

(audience laughing)

Hmm?

If some people mistaken Umi for Chihaya, it's a disaster.

Maybe because both of them have blue hairs? Hey, at least her chest's bigger than Chihaya's.

(audience laughing)

Forget chest sizes you blithering idiot! What I want to know is how cute is Umi! Please!

Ok! Ok! But here's a problem about Umi. I have a sneaking suspicion that she has once rejected in a show that supposed to be hers.

What show?

Team Umizoomi!

(audience laughing)

Get it? Team Umizoomi because there's her name in it. Ha ha...

(audience laughing)

Anyway, I think Umi is still fairly attractive among fans and I can't believe there are some grown men willing to wet their pants at their sleep, thinking about her.

(audience laughing)

Have you?

Nope.

(audience laughing)

But you know what, I'll just put Umi in the CUTE spot because there's something lacking about her cuteness.

I'll agree with that. CUTE it is!


Eli Ayase

Who's this?

It's Eli Ayase. Elichika to you.

Ah yes. Elichika.

Believe it or not, according to her bio, she's slight Russian, and you know what that means?

Uh...What is it?

We have a commie spy in the anime show!

(audience laughing)

Hmm? But she looks conservative to be a commie. She's a soft-spoken girl. That can't be right.

Speaking of her Russian ancestry, there's one bit of problem here because there was also a Russian in the world of idol animes. 

Who is it?

Anastasia.

Anastasia? From iM@S Cinderella Girls? Named after one of Cinderella's evil stepsisters?!

Yes. And since Eli's slight Russian and Anya-chan's half Russian, I think we're onto something here.

Those Communist idols! Ha ha!

(audience laughing)

Anyway, enough commie jokes for now. Let's decide where should we put Elichika in the CUTE WALL.

Okay but there's a problem. At first, I might put her on the NOT CUTE position but because of being the silent type of gal, I'd suggest I'll put her in CUTE, just in case.

(ooohhh)

Ooohhh! Good shot, pal. Good shot. CUTE for Elichika, then.


Rin Hoshizora

Check it out. That's Rin Hoshizora.

Rin Hoshizora? Isn't that the girl who loves to eat ramen?

Yes, she is. Yes, she is.

But...isn't that like...um...hmmm...

Yes. She loves ramen as much as iM@S' Takane Shijou but at least she's not as creepy as Takane's. You know what, if these two face each other in a ramen-eating contest of some sorts, these two might end up in a draw.

Oh, I see.

No. It's Takane's because she's mad when it comes to eating ramen noodles. She's also as mad as a jackal when it comes to eating any noodles she can see fit.

(audience laughing)

Wrong. Rin can eat most than her because of her love of ramen.

Hey! Hey! Don't get too cocky for now. I guess this is how fans from two different sides argue about their favorite characters, eh?

Ooh! You're right!

Anyway, thoughts about Rin?

She looks boring to me. She's not as cute as her fellow ginger-haired pal, Honoka Kousaka, but sadly for me, I'll put her in NOT CUTE.

(awwww)

Sorry, Rin-chan. You have to see that.

Looks like Rin-chan's very disappointed for now. He he he...So, who do you got next?


Hanayo Koizumi

Hanayo Koizumi.

Hanayo Koizumi?

Yes.

Hmm...She's the shy type, isn't she?

Of course she is. And her voice is strangely squeaky voiced.

(audience laughing)

Ooh! We got ourselves a squeaky voiced teen here!

(audience laughing)

Enough now. Mind if you cut that mocking for a while because if we do that, we might scare her and we might not have a chance to put her on the CUTE WALL.

Oh, okay. Sorry, everyone. Anyway, have you dig deeper about her?

Well, yeah. Oh and there's a fun thing about her because her favorite is nothing but plain white rice.

Just rice? She eats nothing but plain white rice?

Yep.

What a unique little fella. I like her style and her behavior. You know what, let's put her in CUTE just in case.

Okay. If you say so.

(sniff) (sniff) What's that smell? Is that raspberry I'm smelling?

Nope. You're smelling at her...


Maki Nishikino

Whoa! Who's that?

That's Maki Nishikino.

Maki...Nishikino? Wow! What a fancy and exotic name for a girl.

Yes, she is. And according to her bio, her parents run a large, successful hospital.

Hold on...Isn't like iDOLM@STER's Iori Minase, whose family had their hands full with their conglomerate? So, they're like...ahem...The Rich Man's Daughter.

More like, the Rich Men's Daughters.

(audience laughing)

Whatever, they're both rich man's daughters. But there's more to like about Maki Nishikino. It's her sassiness.

So...she's a sassy girl?

Mostly a sassy girl but she's one tough gal. She can really jab you like...um...who's that radio caster alongside Andy Verde from the radio show called Short Time?

(audience murmuring)

Kisses Jabson it is. All that Maki does to you is like kissing and jabbing. Speaking of which, have you saw the trailer for the School Idol Movie?

Yep. I mean, who in the world is Maki kissing at during the trailer of the film?

Well, there are some possibilities. Could it be her parents? Her...BF. Or...someone else.

(audience laughing)

You'll find out who's Maki kissing at when the film is out, okay?

(audience murmuring)

But in the meantime, where should we put Maki Nishikino, our favorite kind of Rich Man's Daughter?

I know where. Cause she looks tough for a tough gal, let's put her to CUTE anyway. There's so much to like about Maki Nishikino herself.

(audience laughing)

Nico Yazawa

Nico-Nico-Ni! It's Nico Yazawa!

Nico Yazawa?!

Oh yes. What's wrong? Something's wrong with her?

I'm sorry but...come to think about it, Nico's more like the facsimile of K-On's Azusa Nakano. If you compare these two, you will know that they're almost exactly the same.

Hmm?!

Think about this, when the producers trying to come up with Nico Yazawa, they can't think of what character that suits her so do you know what they do in the making of her? They grabbed one of K-On's and then made one.

(audience laughing)

Because Nico's more like a Azusa Nakano lookalike, I'm afraid I'll have to put her in SERIOUSLY NOT CUTE indefinitely.

You can't be serious.

(audience laughing)

I am serious. Sorry, Nico. Your Nico-Nico-Ni don't work here.

(audience laughing)

So, we're all down to one last member, right? Oh no...

What's wrong?

Our worst nightmare.

Hmmm?


Nozomi Tojo

Oh...It's Nozomi Tojo. She's the gal who sounded like an old lady.

(audience laughing)

No. Gets worse.

Worse?

Washi-washi...

Washing machine?

(audience laughing)

Does she mean she's going to put you in the washing machine?

Not washing machine you dimwit. It's washi-washi! Don't you know what washi-washi means?

I don't know what washi-washi is but all I know is...hmmm?! What the? No! Stop! (laughing) Cut it out! Make it stop! Help!

Yep. That's what washi-washi is. That's how you get to know about Nozomi Tojo. Well, since she's more of a "lady luck", I wonder how lucky is Nozomi when she faces the CUTE WALL. Thoughts?

(audience murmuring)

Well, in the hopes of not getting washi-washi again, let's put her in...to be safe...the CUTE spot. You are lucky, Nozomi. You are lucky.

Time for the recap!

SERIOUSLY NOT CUTE:
Raichu
Whisper
Minion
*Nico Yazawa

NOT CUTE:
Dopey
Kwazii
Minion
Amethyst
*Rin Hoshizora

CUTE:
Pichu
Plusle
Minun
Pachirisu
Emolga
Dedenne
Mokona
Mog
Catbug
Bashful
Froakie
Fennekin
Harukasan
Stuffy
Tunip the Vegimal
Minccino
Piplup
Sylveon
Queen Delightful
Axew
Jibanyan
Minion
Serena's Pancham
*Umi Sonoda
*Eli Ayase
*Hanayo Koizumi
*Maki Nishikino
*Nozomi Tojo

NAKAKAGIGIL!!!:
Pikachu
BMO
Bijou
Poof
George
Happy
Chespin
Doc McStuffins
Mabel Pines
Sofia
Cottonee
Minion
Oshawott
Star Butterfly
*Honoka Kousaka
*Kotori Minami

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