Audi S3 Typ 8V and SQ5

Tonight, or today if you're reading this on the day, or this morning if you woke up, let's talk about the latest A3. Last year, I checked out the all new Audi A3 in the summer and I told that the all new model does look like an enlarged Audi A1 but because of its new MQB platform developed by Volkswagen, it's now lighter, more rigid, and it gets even more emotional in terms of performance and handling. Well, not much. One psychopath per review though. VW Group cars with MQB platform seems to be bringing the future to us but sometimes, it's not quite a dignity if you asked me. Anyway, there's a hotter version of the new A3 and what can I say?

2014 Audi S3

Turn left! No! Turn right! No! Turn left! Turn left! Ahhh!!! Now what an athletic hatchback indeed! Street athlete! It's like it went to the Ironman race! Swimming, cycling, and running! Now that's when blokes get dirty! Hoo-hoo!!

So, welcome, everyone, to the all new S3, Audi's street athlete for the road, redefined. First of all, what Audi did is to take a normal Typ 8V A3, make it more athletic, and then pump up with the long-stroke 2.0 TFSi engine that produces 300HP of power. That's about 20HP less powerful than its rival, the BMW M135i and in a game of catch up, the new S3 is nowhere near as good as the M135i in the corners. Don't think of it as Bruce Forsyth being a Die Hard hero or being inside The Shining. This is more than that. It's like some young woman in her stripey tank top trying to attack you with a P90 machine gun in your head and shoulders. Anyway, while this model's heavier than the BMW M135i, the quattro all wheel drive system really does not scare the driver as much. It's much more grippy but it's a much more stressful to drive.

Pricing? Let's have a look...38,900 Euros for the one with the manual transmission but that car will cost you 1,900 Euros more if a 7-speed double clutch transmission is added. Come to think of it that despite the double clutch transmission added, I would say that it's going to be rubbish, frankly. So, it may look like a half-decent hot hatch but sadly it doesn't feel like a half-decent hot hatchback.

Thing is though, the all new S3 is not the only Audi that doesn't understand my language and confuses me a lot, perhaps, there's another one that is much more confusing than the new S3...

2013 Audi SQ5

It may look like the recently facelifted Audi Q5 but this is, by far out, the most confusing Audi I have ever felt in my life. This is the new SQ5 and that name should have been called the Q5 S like the TT-S but question is...why SQ5? While that question is a bit confusing as of now, the engine that powers it is even more confusing than ever...

It has a 3.0 TDi engine with two turbochargers that produces 313HP of power and 650Nm of torque. I mean yes, this is the first ever Audi S model to have a diesel engine but that only works in European countries because overseas version may get a petrol variant, which sounds lovely but...AHHHH!!!!! WHAT AM I THINKING?!!!!

You know what? Never mind about that but still, Audi said that the zero to hundred kilo sprint takes about 5.1 seconds while fuel consumption combined is about 7.2L/100km. To differentiate the SQ5 from the normal Q5, this model has the platinum gray single-frame radiator grille with its galvanized dual struts in aluminum look, the roof spoiler and modified bumpers, meaning that the crossover that was once a crossover your posh mom would use for grocery shopping, has now turned into a naughty rascal. Imagine your mom driving one of these and when other mommies saw this ride, they would think that you're an inappropriate mother who was raising a spoiled brat for years.

In essence then, both the all new S3 and the all new SQ5 were not in my books because well I was gonna say horrid but such word is not used on such cars. Guess I should better make up a new word that is neither bad, nor good to describe what these two S-model Audis were but in the meantime, these two cars are open for discussion but because I'm ending this discussion right now, guess you'll gonna have to discuss about this car somewhere else.

Photo: AUDI AG